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| Grandma Gail and Allison |
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| Allison and her favorite toy |
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| I LOVE my car! |
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| Allison in her jumper |
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| How cute is she!!!!! |
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Mother's Day 2012
What a difference a year can make. Last year, I was dreading mother's day and this year I was looking forward to it. We went for Allison's first camping trip on mothers day. I was afraid I was going to forget something for Allison and we were going to be in the middle of no where and not able to get it. So I contacted my friend Tonya who's little boy is 5 and asked what the most important things were that she took for Nicholas. She was nice enough to send me the master list she uses to pack her camper for every camping trip. What a brilliant idea! why had I not thought of this before. So I updated her master list to have the items we would need on it and created a separate spreadsheet tab for Allison. Yes she had her own page and I probably over packed, but I only forgot one thing (a bottle brush) and it was no big deal. It was a HUGE help. Allison loves being outside so that part went great. The sleeping however did not. I know she was scared to go to sleep in a new place and then waking up in a new place had to be very scary too. That first night I was ready to go home and cancel all our other trips. But we got thru it and I know she will improve with every trip. Here are some pictures from the weekend of camping.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Our Journey to Allison Grace
On August 3, 2011, I thought my life had just ended. I didn't want anyone to know how horrible, how useless, or how depressed I felt. Truth is I felt even worse than that. I can't even describe it. Then I get THE CALL. The call we had been waiting for. And can you believe that is was in an hour of the most devastating call of my life!!!! It truly does happen when you least expect it. Our caseworker Laura said we needed to make a decision that day or the next one regarding if we wanted our picture profile shown to this birth mother. Thank goodness I did have the thought to write things down because my brain we working over time. I was shaking and crying and most of all trying to remember that just because we got the call doesn't mean this birth mom will choose us. I wanted to make sure I guarded my heart because I wasn't sure I could handle more disappointments. Mike and I talked about the items Laura had told us we needed to and decided that we wanted this birth mom to see our profile. I sent simply sent Laura a message that said "Mike and I discussed it and we would LOVE for you to present our profile to the birth mom you are working with."
I wasn't sure what to feel at this point. I was really conflicted. I thought maybe I would feel relief, but I didn't. It was a whole new worry now. Will she like us, will she think I will be a good mom, will she like that we have animals, and will she choose us. August 12, 2011 I sent Laura and email simply asking if we even had a shot with this birth mom or if we weren't what we were looking for. I had spent a week thinking about this and my heart was so heavy. I didn't feel positive about this. I really needed to know where we were at so I could feel some relief. Laura was so sweet and simply replied that we were one of two couples and she was leaning towards us before she got our picture profile. Now the birth mom wanted to meet us. I nearly dropped my phone. I was talking to Mike and stopped mid sentence. My mind went blank and all I could see was she wanted to meet us. REALLY was something going our way for once. Laura had said I could call her and of course I did. When Laura answered she said she didn't even have to look at who was calling she knew it was me. We didn't know when or where but we were going to meet. Was this really our time or was it going to be just another disappointment.
Mike and I had decided that we were not going to tell anyone right away. We weren't sure when we were going to announce our news, but I knew I didn't want to tell anyone yet. I couldn't stand getting "THE LOOK" any longer. You know that look that people feel sorry for the girl who can't get pregnant. I HATE that look and wanted to avoid having to tell people that "oops we were wrong, we really don't have a baby." So for now it was our little secret. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. Laura and I began talking about what the meeting with the birth mom would be like and how things would go. Laura couldn't tell me much about the birth mom or the baby. Really the only thing she could tell me was that she was from the area in which they served but it was not Springfield and we may have to drive to meet with her. But we needed to go where she felt comfortable. I was totally fine with that. I would have driven wherever I needed to go. It didn't matter to me. Laura was so sweet thru the whole thing, even though I secretly think she wanted to strangle me and every time she saw another email from me, she had to be thinking "Not again". But she always said I was not bothering her. We finally came up with a time to meet. August 23 was going to be the day. This presented a little problem because it was the first night of bowling which meant I was going to have to come up with a good excuse for my mom on why I was not going to be at bowling. I didn't lie to my mother, I cannot lie, I never have been able to and she would have seen right through me. I just told her we had a meeting with Laura and it had to be that night. It was what worked best for her schedule. It was amazing that at this point I hadn't slipped the news to her yet anyway. I have never been so nervous as to what to wear, what makeup to put on, does my hair look okay, and any other silly thing you can come up with. It all went thru my head.
August 23 finally arrived. I had asked Laura if there was something appropriate to bring as a "thank you for meeting us". She had suggested simple thank you cards with handwritten notes. Let me tell you, there are NO "Thanks for considering us to be your babies parents". There weren't hardly any appropriate ones. I found ones that would work okay and just simply wrote a heartfelt appreciation note. We were meeting at Catholic charities office in Springfield, so Mike and I headed up there. On the way up I was doing okay. I had my list of questions in hand, I was going over answers to questions she might have had, and just talking with Mike about what we thought might happen. Laura had asked us to be there 30 minutes before the birth mom and her family so we didn't see each others vehicles. I did great until we got to the parking lot. My heart started racing. I get out of the car and I thought I was going to throw up. I have NEVER been so nervous in all my life. How in the world do I convey that I am the best choice for a mother for your child. I have never been good at the "Why are you the best candidate for the job" interview question, how was I going to answer the question of why should you raise my baby. All the preparing I had done just flew out the window. We meet with Laura and she explained how the meeting was going to go and then the receptionist buzzed and it was time. Laura went to meet the birth mom, her mom, and step - dad and bring them in to meet us. We could hear them coming down the hallway and my heart was pounding. Then in walked a beautiful young woman who was very petite, but tall, and was very pregnant. She had the cutest baby bump and was one of the cutest pregnant women that I had ever seen. Starting the conversation was so awkward. I was so glad Laura was there to guide the conversation. We started out by telling about ourselves and letting them ask questions. As the conversation went on, I actually felt at ease. I want becoming comfortable. We actually had a lot in common. Birth mom was a junior on her local volunteer fire department and so was her step-father. How cool is that? At one point we were talking about birth mom's doctors appointments and the birth mom's mom slide a photo album across the table. This photo album contained all of birth mom's sonograms. I couldn't believe it. This was the one thing I had thought about. I wanted a sonogram picture to have to Alli's baby book and here I was getting a lot of them (I got a lot more too!) I flipped thru the book, but I couldn't really see anything thru the tears in my eyes. Laura asked if they wanted to let us know what the gender of the baby was. The birth mom looked at me in surprise that I didn't know already. It was only plastered on two of the sonogram pictures I had just looked at. I was just so emotional, I didn't even see it. She told us it was a girl. Laura then asked the birth mom if she was going to name baby girl and if so what she was going to name her. That's when I was just blown away. She told us that she wanted us to name her and she wanted to know a name as soon as possible so she could start calling her that. Well if I hadn't been tearing up before, I sure was after that. What's funny is, Mike and I did not have a name picked out and it had been a source or turmoil for us. Mike says he couldn't come up with a name until he saw the baby and I thought that was just ridiculous. We shared with her the 3 names we had at the top of our list. Birth mom was a little disappointed that we didn't have a name for her then, but said she would like to know when we decided. It hadn't really sunk in yet that they had picked us, but wanting to know the baby's name from us sealed it for me. We talked a little longer and said our goodbyes. What is really funny is that we all went to the same restaurant that night to eat, but didn't see each other at all. How funny is that. Well over supper Mike and I were able to pick Allison Grace. It was number one on the list for me, I think he just gave in. But Mike was really hit by how disappointed birth mom was that we didn't have a name. That totally worked in my favor. Here I was thinking that I wasn't going to know my baby's name until we met her and I was not dealing well with it. Birth mom was going to a doctor's appointment on that Friday and promised to update us when she got home. They left and we waited for a while before we left in order to not see each other vehicles in the parking lot. Laura again cautioned us from telling anyone because at this point she could still change her mind and while it's fun to make the "we are getting a baby" calls, it's not so fun to make the it fell thru calls. So we were still going to have to keep our secret a little longer. It did finally get the best of me and we decided to tell parents but not our sisters at this point yet. We had a while to go and we just didn't know what was going to happen. IT was a VERY long month sitting on pins and needles. Everything time the phone rang, I was for sure it was Laura calling to tell me we where having a baby. One night we even went out for supper and can you believe it, I left my phone at home. My phone was the one Laura was calling and I didn't have it. On a normal day, I don't like not having my phone so right now when I could be getting the call any minute I left my phone at home. REALLY!!!! I was for sure Laura was going to have called and we missed it. Needless to say, she didn't and I actually had no calls. I missed out on enjoying a supper out because I was so worried. Silly me.
At this point we really didn't know what birth mom's plans were for the hospital. I, of course, wanted to at least be at the hospital when Allison was born. Laura kept reminding me that the hospital was birth mom's time and that I got her for the rest of my life. I know that was supposed to be reassuring, but it really wasn't. I felt like I was getting a lecture from my Mom. In my emails to Laura, I was afraid to start calling baby Allison because in my mind that meant it was real and birth mom could still change her mind. I just couldn't even think about a positive outcome. I knew it would be too devastating if I did and it wasn't. During the next weeks, I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned like there was no tomorrow. I had to do something to keep my mind off of what was going on. We cleaned out the spare bedroom to make room for baby, but didn't decorate it. We again didn't want to walk past a finished room for a baby that we might not end up getting.
At birth mom's doctor's appointment the week of September 19th they said that the baby was going to be BIG, probably 9 lbs or more and that if she hadn't gone into labor by Tuesday the 27th they were going to induce. Finally, there was an end in sight. I pulled into work on Tuesday 9/27/11 like any other day, waiting to hear from our caseworker what the plan was for the day. I knew Laura didn't get into work until 8:30 or so, so I wasn't expecting to hear from her until later in the day. As I pulled into the parking lot at about 8:15, I got a call from Laura. She said that birth mom was VERY uncomfortable in the night so they took her to the hospital and kept her and that they had broken her water at 7:30. I couldn't believe my ears. I was so excited I think I almost squealed in the phone. Laura said she would call me with any updates, but so far the plan was for us to go to the hospital 9/28/11arriving about 1 pm to give birth mom plenty of time. I of course called Mike. I am not sure how much he heard because I was so hysterical with excitement. I really might as well not have been at work, because my brain was not functioning properly. But my boss, being the wonderful boss that he is understood and was very excited for us. I got a call about 10 am saying birth mom was at a 4, then a phone call at 1 saying she was a 8, then another phone call at 1:15 saying she was a 10 and going to be pushing soon. I was in line in the DQ drive thru and I know the lady at the window thought I was a fruit cake. I am making phone calls, bawling my eyes out all while waiting for my hamburger. I think she was waiting for me to freak out on her or something. Then nothing, no news. So I email my caseworker at 3:30. She hadn't heard anything. And I got scared. I just knew she had changed her mind and we weren't going to hear from her any more. Or worse I thought that she was going to have to a c-section. I didn't want that for her. A constant reminder of the baby she gave up. I just didn't want that for her. 4:30 rolled around and nothing. Finally at 4:45 pm, I got the call that I had become a mom. Allison Grace was born at 4:25 pm after 3 hours of hard pushing. She weighed 9lbs 3 oz, was 20.5 in long, and had a head full of hair. I called Mike and told him that he had a daughter. I am fighting back tears as I am writing this. It is just so amazing, it's hard to think about this and not get emotional. That evening was a blur. I have no idea what we did that night. I think we went out to eat to celebrate, but I honestly can't tell you. I called my mom, dad, and sisters in a conference called to tell them there was a new baby in the family. I am not sure who was crying harder, them or me. It was awesome. So the plan at this point was for Mike and I to go to work Wednesday 9/28/11 and leave work around Noon to head to the hospital. I get to work Wednesday morning and Laura calls me again as I pull in the parking lot. Birth mom had texted her at 6am to ask if we were on our way. Laura was shocked. So our plans changed. I was now going to work until 10 and meet Mike at home and head to the hospital. While I was at work, I received 3 of the most precious pictures I could ever receive. My daughter. I can only share one here because her birth mom is in the other 2 and out of respect for her and Allison those are not going to be shared.
Mike and I had decided on getting birth mom a gift for when we got to the hospital. Nothing too extravagant, but something to let her know that we would always think about her. We got her a simple heart necklace and in the card I wrote to her that this necklace was a remind that she will always be in our hearts.
We got to the hospital and meet Laura. We found birth mom's room and went in. I fell in love at first sight when I say Allison. There are no words to describe the feeling of love I felt.
Our whole adoption experience has been amazing and wonderful. I am so thankful for the gift and miracle of Allison Grace.
I wasn't sure what to feel at this point. I was really conflicted. I thought maybe I would feel relief, but I didn't. It was a whole new worry now. Will she like us, will she think I will be a good mom, will she like that we have animals, and will she choose us. August 12, 2011 I sent Laura and email simply asking if we even had a shot with this birth mom or if we weren't what we were looking for. I had spent a week thinking about this and my heart was so heavy. I didn't feel positive about this. I really needed to know where we were at so I could feel some relief. Laura was so sweet and simply replied that we were one of two couples and she was leaning towards us before she got our picture profile. Now the birth mom wanted to meet us. I nearly dropped my phone. I was talking to Mike and stopped mid sentence. My mind went blank and all I could see was she wanted to meet us. REALLY was something going our way for once. Laura had said I could call her and of course I did. When Laura answered she said she didn't even have to look at who was calling she knew it was me. We didn't know when or where but we were going to meet. Was this really our time or was it going to be just another disappointment.
Mike and I had decided that we were not going to tell anyone right away. We weren't sure when we were going to announce our news, but I knew I didn't want to tell anyone yet. I couldn't stand getting "THE LOOK" any longer. You know that look that people feel sorry for the girl who can't get pregnant. I HATE that look and wanted to avoid having to tell people that "oops we were wrong, we really don't have a baby." So for now it was our little secret. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. Laura and I began talking about what the meeting with the birth mom would be like and how things would go. Laura couldn't tell me much about the birth mom or the baby. Really the only thing she could tell me was that she was from the area in which they served but it was not Springfield and we may have to drive to meet with her. But we needed to go where she felt comfortable. I was totally fine with that. I would have driven wherever I needed to go. It didn't matter to me. Laura was so sweet thru the whole thing, even though I secretly think she wanted to strangle me and every time she saw another email from me, she had to be thinking "Not again". But she always said I was not bothering her. We finally came up with a time to meet. August 23 was going to be the day. This presented a little problem because it was the first night of bowling which meant I was going to have to come up with a good excuse for my mom on why I was not going to be at bowling. I didn't lie to my mother, I cannot lie, I never have been able to and she would have seen right through me. I just told her we had a meeting with Laura and it had to be that night. It was what worked best for her schedule. It was amazing that at this point I hadn't slipped the news to her yet anyway. I have never been so nervous as to what to wear, what makeup to put on, does my hair look okay, and any other silly thing you can come up with. It all went thru my head.
August 23 finally arrived. I had asked Laura if there was something appropriate to bring as a "thank you for meeting us". She had suggested simple thank you cards with handwritten notes. Let me tell you, there are NO "Thanks for considering us to be your babies parents". There weren't hardly any appropriate ones. I found ones that would work okay and just simply wrote a heartfelt appreciation note. We were meeting at Catholic charities office in Springfield, so Mike and I headed up there. On the way up I was doing okay. I had my list of questions in hand, I was going over answers to questions she might have had, and just talking with Mike about what we thought might happen. Laura had asked us to be there 30 minutes before the birth mom and her family so we didn't see each others vehicles. I did great until we got to the parking lot. My heart started racing. I get out of the car and I thought I was going to throw up. I have NEVER been so nervous in all my life. How in the world do I convey that I am the best choice for a mother for your child. I have never been good at the "Why are you the best candidate for the job" interview question, how was I going to answer the question of why should you raise my baby. All the preparing I had done just flew out the window. We meet with Laura and she explained how the meeting was going to go and then the receptionist buzzed and it was time. Laura went to meet the birth mom, her mom, and step - dad and bring them in to meet us. We could hear them coming down the hallway and my heart was pounding. Then in walked a beautiful young woman who was very petite, but tall, and was very pregnant. She had the cutest baby bump and was one of the cutest pregnant women that I had ever seen. Starting the conversation was so awkward. I was so glad Laura was there to guide the conversation. We started out by telling about ourselves and letting them ask questions. As the conversation went on, I actually felt at ease. I want becoming comfortable. We actually had a lot in common. Birth mom was a junior on her local volunteer fire department and so was her step-father. How cool is that? At one point we were talking about birth mom's doctors appointments and the birth mom's mom slide a photo album across the table. This photo album contained all of birth mom's sonograms. I couldn't believe it. This was the one thing I had thought about. I wanted a sonogram picture to have to Alli's baby book and here I was getting a lot of them (I got a lot more too!) I flipped thru the book, but I couldn't really see anything thru the tears in my eyes. Laura asked if they wanted to let us know what the gender of the baby was. The birth mom looked at me in surprise that I didn't know already. It was only plastered on two of the sonogram pictures I had just looked at. I was just so emotional, I didn't even see it. She told us it was a girl. Laura then asked the birth mom if she was going to name baby girl and if so what she was going to name her. That's when I was just blown away. She told us that she wanted us to name her and she wanted to know a name as soon as possible so she could start calling her that. Well if I hadn't been tearing up before, I sure was after that. What's funny is, Mike and I did not have a name picked out and it had been a source or turmoil for us. Mike says he couldn't come up with a name until he saw the baby and I thought that was just ridiculous. We shared with her the 3 names we had at the top of our list. Birth mom was a little disappointed that we didn't have a name for her then, but said she would like to know when we decided. It hadn't really sunk in yet that they had picked us, but wanting to know the baby's name from us sealed it for me. We talked a little longer and said our goodbyes. What is really funny is that we all went to the same restaurant that night to eat, but didn't see each other at all. How funny is that. Well over supper Mike and I were able to pick Allison Grace. It was number one on the list for me, I think he just gave in. But Mike was really hit by how disappointed birth mom was that we didn't have a name. That totally worked in my favor. Here I was thinking that I wasn't going to know my baby's name until we met her and I was not dealing well with it. Birth mom was going to a doctor's appointment on that Friday and promised to update us when she got home. They left and we waited for a while before we left in order to not see each other vehicles in the parking lot. Laura again cautioned us from telling anyone because at this point she could still change her mind and while it's fun to make the "we are getting a baby" calls, it's not so fun to make the it fell thru calls. So we were still going to have to keep our secret a little longer. It did finally get the best of me and we decided to tell parents but not our sisters at this point yet. We had a while to go and we just didn't know what was going to happen. IT was a VERY long month sitting on pins and needles. Everything time the phone rang, I was for sure it was Laura calling to tell me we where having a baby. One night we even went out for supper and can you believe it, I left my phone at home. My phone was the one Laura was calling and I didn't have it. On a normal day, I don't like not having my phone so right now when I could be getting the call any minute I left my phone at home. REALLY!!!! I was for sure Laura was going to have called and we missed it. Needless to say, she didn't and I actually had no calls. I missed out on enjoying a supper out because I was so worried. Silly me.
At this point we really didn't know what birth mom's plans were for the hospital. I, of course, wanted to at least be at the hospital when Allison was born. Laura kept reminding me that the hospital was birth mom's time and that I got her for the rest of my life. I know that was supposed to be reassuring, but it really wasn't. I felt like I was getting a lecture from my Mom. In my emails to Laura, I was afraid to start calling baby Allison because in my mind that meant it was real and birth mom could still change her mind. I just couldn't even think about a positive outcome. I knew it would be too devastating if I did and it wasn't. During the next weeks, I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned like there was no tomorrow. I had to do something to keep my mind off of what was going on. We cleaned out the spare bedroom to make room for baby, but didn't decorate it. We again didn't want to walk past a finished room for a baby that we might not end up getting.
At birth mom's doctor's appointment the week of September 19th they said that the baby was going to be BIG, probably 9 lbs or more and that if she hadn't gone into labor by Tuesday the 27th they were going to induce. Finally, there was an end in sight. I pulled into work on Tuesday 9/27/11 like any other day, waiting to hear from our caseworker what the plan was for the day. I knew Laura didn't get into work until 8:30 or so, so I wasn't expecting to hear from her until later in the day. As I pulled into the parking lot at about 8:15, I got a call from Laura. She said that birth mom was VERY uncomfortable in the night so they took her to the hospital and kept her and that they had broken her water at 7:30. I couldn't believe my ears. I was so excited I think I almost squealed in the phone. Laura said she would call me with any updates, but so far the plan was for us to go to the hospital 9/28/11arriving about 1 pm to give birth mom plenty of time. I of course called Mike. I am not sure how much he heard because I was so hysterical with excitement. I really might as well not have been at work, because my brain was not functioning properly. But my boss, being the wonderful boss that he is understood and was very excited for us. I got a call about 10 am saying birth mom was at a 4, then a phone call at 1 saying she was a 8, then another phone call at 1:15 saying she was a 10 and going to be pushing soon. I was in line in the DQ drive thru and I know the lady at the window thought I was a fruit cake. I am making phone calls, bawling my eyes out all while waiting for my hamburger. I think she was waiting for me to freak out on her or something. Then nothing, no news. So I email my caseworker at 3:30. She hadn't heard anything. And I got scared. I just knew she had changed her mind and we weren't going to hear from her any more. Or worse I thought that she was going to have to a c-section. I didn't want that for her. A constant reminder of the baby she gave up. I just didn't want that for her. 4:30 rolled around and nothing. Finally at 4:45 pm, I got the call that I had become a mom. Allison Grace was born at 4:25 pm after 3 hours of hard pushing. She weighed 9lbs 3 oz, was 20.5 in long, and had a head full of hair. I called Mike and told him that he had a daughter. I am fighting back tears as I am writing this. It is just so amazing, it's hard to think about this and not get emotional. That evening was a blur. I have no idea what we did that night. I think we went out to eat to celebrate, but I honestly can't tell you. I called my mom, dad, and sisters in a conference called to tell them there was a new baby in the family. I am not sure who was crying harder, them or me. It was awesome. So the plan at this point was for Mike and I to go to work Wednesday 9/28/11 and leave work around Noon to head to the hospital. I get to work Wednesday morning and Laura calls me again as I pull in the parking lot. Birth mom had texted her at 6am to ask if we were on our way. Laura was shocked. So our plans changed. I was now going to work until 10 and meet Mike at home and head to the hospital. While I was at work, I received 3 of the most precious pictures I could ever receive. My daughter. I can only share one here because her birth mom is in the other 2 and out of respect for her and Allison those are not going to be shared.
We got to the hospital and meet Laura. We found birth mom's room and went in. I fell in love at first sight when I say Allison. There are no words to describe the feeling of love I felt.
Our whole adoption experience has been amazing and wonderful. I am so thankful for the gift and miracle of Allison Grace.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Getting Caught Up
Wow!!!! So much has taken place since my last blog. I haven't kept up with it at all like I thought I would. Where to start...... Disclaimer - This will probably be a very long post so sit down, kick back, and enjoy or stop reading and save for later.
Mike and I had decided that if we were going to try invitro (IVF), it should be now. I didn't want to make an adopted child feel less wanted by doing it later. I scheduled the consultation appointment with the doctor and off we went. April 21, 2011 we had our consultation appointment. I think I was on information overload. We got some much information, so many forms to go over, so much reading material, it was just unreal. We had to make all kinds of crazy decisions about what we would want to do with any unused embryos in case of divorce, my death, Mike's death, or the closing of the office. We had to read, initial, and sign our life away. Due to all the scheduling an IVF cycle takes, we could not get in until July. So they sent me home with instructions on when do get blood work done, other test, and when to start medicines. We went back in June to get our medication. Take a look at what we had and this isn't all of it.
We started our shot routine in July. Did I mention Mike was working out of town all week during this time. Great timing right! Once I started all these meds, I had to go to the doctor every couple of days. Towards the end of the stimulation meds ( cycle of IVF is stimulation, retrieval, transfer) I was going everyday. One of my ovaries had gotten too heavy from all of the cysts that is actually dropped a little. The doctor was able to manual (NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE) move it back into place so they didn't think it was a problem. I had at least 13 good follicles. It did not take as long as they had planned for me to have cysts the size that they wanted so we scheduled our retrieval for July 17, 2011. This meant that I had have a shot at a specific time to get the eggs matured, but timing is everything with this. They don't want ovulation to occur, just maturing. This is where everything went wrong and when I say wrong I meant totally and completely wrong. I had to take a antiaxiety pill for relaxation and then I would be administered a narcotic during the procedure. I would go into the whole process, but if you want to know what exactly the retrieval involved google IVF egg retrieval. Everything started out fine and they got the first egg out of the follicles with in moments. Then a few minutes went by and nothing, then at least 5 minutes went by and nothing. I could tell something wasn't right. I finally I asked if they had found any more eggs to the nurse administering my drugs. She looked at the doctor and he looked at her and shook his head for her to go ahead and tell me. The nurse looked at me with with tears in her eyes and said that my eggs were gone because I had ovulated too soon. My heart sank and I started sobbing uncontrollably. They still had to go thru and drain every follicie and I just wanted them to be done. The whole procedure took about 45 mins and it was sheer agony. I sobbed, more like wailed, for most of the procedure and I am sure made it more painful for myself. Mike was not in the room for any of this, but as soon as they opened the door to the procedure room he could hear me. One of the doctors headed out to meet him to tell him what was going on. I had to lay in recovery for 30 minutes before they would let me go home. This was a nightmare. My doctor came in to tell me that they wanted to do an insemination along with the IVF to hopefully catch the eggs that ovulated as well. I was not very nice and said some very mean things to him about it, but did the insemination anyway. While all this was happening, the embryologist was doing her thing with our one lonely egg. We would not know until the next day if the egg had been fertilized and if it was any good. And then every day would get a phone call to see if the embryo had survived another night. My 30 minutes passed and they let me go home. As the nurse wheeled me out she just kept saying I am so sorry, I have never seen this happen. But nothing helped with my pain. I cried all the way home and probably most the night. I felt raw emotion. The one thing I thought was going to work without question had just dashed my hopes and dreams. I went to my bedroom to try and sleep. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for awhile. I wanted it to all be a bad dream. I called the doctor's office the next morning and asked them to call Mike's phone first to tell him if they egg had fertilized and become and embryo. They agreed to do that. Little did I know, my husband had already stopped by the doctor's office to see how things were going. They were nice enough to tell him that our embryo had been fertilized and was doing good so far. They also told him that they all sat down and cried after we left. They couldn't believe that all of this was happening. We had know everyone in that office for over 4 years of treatments. They knew me very personally and had been thru the ups and downs of treatment together. Everything progressed great and we had a beautiful embryo and scheduled the transfer July 20th. We got there for the transfer and we got to have a sneek peek at our little embryo. It was the most amazing sight I have ever seen.
The transfer went well and pain free. Now came the hardest part of all, the dreaded two week wait. Anyone having gone thru fertility treatments knows how horrible the two week wait is. It drags on and on and on. During my two week wait, I developed hyperstimuilation which can be a very serious problem and was under very close supervision from my doctors. Hyperstimulation is where the previously emptied follicles fill back up with fluid and keep filling. It can cause death. My case was not very bad and I only had to stay in bed for a day or two. I was very lucky. Our lucky quickly came to an end the night before we were to have our blood pregnancy test. I started bleeding and knew our IVF journey had come to an end. I still had to go get the blood test to confirm that I was not pregnant. Even though you know it's over, it is a totally different feeling to get the phone call to end any hope. I was devastated. I felt like my life was over. We had just poured all of our financial resources into this and it had gone horribly wrong. I have drained emotionally. I had nothing left. I didn't even have tears to cry. I was just done. But God was far from done with me that day. I knew this day would change my life forever, but I thought only for the worse. Little did I know what was to come.
Mike and I had worked it out so that we would have the afternoon off that day and we would either go celebrate or mourn our loss, whichever needed to be done. Thankfully my boss is a wonderful man and knew I didn't need to be at work and told me not to come in to work at all that day. Mike had gotten the call to say the test was negative and he had to call and break the news. He was on his way home when he called and we were going to go out and eat and just be together. I sent everyone that was waiting to hear a text to let them know the outcome and went back to just existing. About and hour after getting the bad news call, I got a phone call and I thought the number was my friend Tonya so I answered. Boy am I ever glad I did. The phone call was not from my friend Tonya, I was from my adoption caseworker Laura. She was calling to say that she had a birth mom who had seen our non identifying adoption profile and she wanted to know if she could show her our profile book. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I was heard her correctly. I mean I really couldn't be getting this news now could I? I started scrambling for a piece of paper to make notes so I could talk to Mike. There were are few things we needed to discuss before I just said yes. But Laura said she would like to know that day so we could get things going. Mike had come home in the meantime while I was on the phone with Laura. He couldn't believe that I was on the phone and talking to anyone. He had no idea who I was talking to or the change it would soon have on our lives. It didn't take us long and we decided that we wanted Laura to show our profile to this birth mom. I went back to work the following Thursday 8/4/11 and I just knew I couldn't work right then. I wasn't even able to hardly put a smile on my face and talk to customers. It was just horrible. Mike and I decided to take a little time off and get our heads back together. We left that Saturday for a few days away and headed to Branson. It still had not sunk in that we were actually sending information to a birth mom or that we could be parents. We had gotten so much heartbreak I couldn't even allow myself to think that we could have good news. Finally it got the best of me and I emailed Laura to see if we were even in the running for this birth mom. I wanted to know so I didn't get my hopes up. I don't think my heart could have handled more rejection or bad news. On Friday August 11, 2011 we received the life changing news that this birth mom had picked us and wanted to meet. I was reading the email from Laura while I was talking to Mike. He says I totally stopped midsentence and turned white. I had to have him read the email because I wasn't sure my eyes were seeing that right. So began our new journey, our journey to our baby. Of course everything worked out and I became a mother 9/27/11 to the most beautiful baby girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar so stole my heart the moment I walked into her birth mom's hospital room. I had never seen such a beautiful face or felt such instant love in my life. I will share more about our adoption process and the story of Allison, but that is another blog for another time. Below is one of the first pictures I took of my new daughter.
Mike and I had decided that if we were going to try invitro (IVF), it should be now. I didn't want to make an adopted child feel less wanted by doing it later. I scheduled the consultation appointment with the doctor and off we went. April 21, 2011 we had our consultation appointment. I think I was on information overload. We got some much information, so many forms to go over, so much reading material, it was just unreal. We had to make all kinds of crazy decisions about what we would want to do with any unused embryos in case of divorce, my death, Mike's death, or the closing of the office. We had to read, initial, and sign our life away. Due to all the scheduling an IVF cycle takes, we could not get in until July. So they sent me home with instructions on when do get blood work done, other test, and when to start medicines. We went back in June to get our medication. Take a look at what we had and this isn't all of it.
We started our shot routine in July. Did I mention Mike was working out of town all week during this time. Great timing right! Once I started all these meds, I had to go to the doctor every couple of days. Towards the end of the stimulation meds ( cycle of IVF is stimulation, retrieval, transfer) I was going everyday. One of my ovaries had gotten too heavy from all of the cysts that is actually dropped a little. The doctor was able to manual (NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE) move it back into place so they didn't think it was a problem. I had at least 13 good follicles. It did not take as long as they had planned for me to have cysts the size that they wanted so we scheduled our retrieval for July 17, 2011. This meant that I had have a shot at a specific time to get the eggs matured, but timing is everything with this. They don't want ovulation to occur, just maturing. This is where everything went wrong and when I say wrong I meant totally and completely wrong. I had to take a antiaxiety pill for relaxation and then I would be administered a narcotic during the procedure. I would go into the whole process, but if you want to know what exactly the retrieval involved google IVF egg retrieval. Everything started out fine and they got the first egg out of the follicles with in moments. Then a few minutes went by and nothing, then at least 5 minutes went by and nothing. I could tell something wasn't right. I finally I asked if they had found any more eggs to the nurse administering my drugs. She looked at the doctor and he looked at her and shook his head for her to go ahead and tell me. The nurse looked at me with with tears in her eyes and said that my eggs were gone because I had ovulated too soon. My heart sank and I started sobbing uncontrollably. They still had to go thru and drain every follicie and I just wanted them to be done. The whole procedure took about 45 mins and it was sheer agony. I sobbed, more like wailed, for most of the procedure and I am sure made it more painful for myself. Mike was not in the room for any of this, but as soon as they opened the door to the procedure room he could hear me. One of the doctors headed out to meet him to tell him what was going on. I had to lay in recovery for 30 minutes before they would let me go home. This was a nightmare. My doctor came in to tell me that they wanted to do an insemination along with the IVF to hopefully catch the eggs that ovulated as well. I was not very nice and said some very mean things to him about it, but did the insemination anyway. While all this was happening, the embryologist was doing her thing with our one lonely egg. We would not know until the next day if the egg had been fertilized and if it was any good. And then every day would get a phone call to see if the embryo had survived another night. My 30 minutes passed and they let me go home. As the nurse wheeled me out she just kept saying I am so sorry, I have never seen this happen. But nothing helped with my pain. I cried all the way home and probably most the night. I felt raw emotion. The one thing I thought was going to work without question had just dashed my hopes and dreams. I went to my bedroom to try and sleep. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for awhile. I wanted it to all be a bad dream. I called the doctor's office the next morning and asked them to call Mike's phone first to tell him if they egg had fertilized and become and embryo. They agreed to do that. Little did I know, my husband had already stopped by the doctor's office to see how things were going. They were nice enough to tell him that our embryo had been fertilized and was doing good so far. They also told him that they all sat down and cried after we left. They couldn't believe that all of this was happening. We had know everyone in that office for over 4 years of treatments. They knew me very personally and had been thru the ups and downs of treatment together. Everything progressed great and we had a beautiful embryo and scheduled the transfer July 20th. We got there for the transfer and we got to have a sneek peek at our little embryo. It was the most amazing sight I have ever seen.
Mike and I had worked it out so that we would have the afternoon off that day and we would either go celebrate or mourn our loss, whichever needed to be done. Thankfully my boss is a wonderful man and knew I didn't need to be at work and told me not to come in to work at all that day. Mike had gotten the call to say the test was negative and he had to call and break the news. He was on his way home when he called and we were going to go out and eat and just be together. I sent everyone that was waiting to hear a text to let them know the outcome and went back to just existing. About and hour after getting the bad news call, I got a phone call and I thought the number was my friend Tonya so I answered. Boy am I ever glad I did. The phone call was not from my friend Tonya, I was from my adoption caseworker Laura. She was calling to say that she had a birth mom who had seen our non identifying adoption profile and she wanted to know if she could show her our profile book. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I was heard her correctly. I mean I really couldn't be getting this news now could I? I started scrambling for a piece of paper to make notes so I could talk to Mike. There were are few things we needed to discuss before I just said yes. But Laura said she would like to know that day so we could get things going. Mike had come home in the meantime while I was on the phone with Laura. He couldn't believe that I was on the phone and talking to anyone. He had no idea who I was talking to or the change it would soon have on our lives. It didn't take us long and we decided that we wanted Laura to show our profile to this birth mom. I went back to work the following Thursday 8/4/11 and I just knew I couldn't work right then. I wasn't even able to hardly put a smile on my face and talk to customers. It was just horrible. Mike and I decided to take a little time off and get our heads back together. We left that Saturday for a few days away and headed to Branson. It still had not sunk in that we were actually sending information to a birth mom or that we could be parents. We had gotten so much heartbreak I couldn't even allow myself to think that we could have good news. Finally it got the best of me and I emailed Laura to see if we were even in the running for this birth mom. I wanted to know so I didn't get my hopes up. I don't think my heart could have handled more rejection or bad news. On Friday August 11, 2011 we received the life changing news that this birth mom had picked us and wanted to meet. I was reading the email from Laura while I was talking to Mike. He says I totally stopped midsentence and turned white. I had to have him read the email because I wasn't sure my eyes were seeing that right. So began our new journey, our journey to our baby. Of course everything worked out and I became a mother 9/27/11 to the most beautiful baby girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar so stole my heart the moment I walked into her birth mom's hospital room. I had never seen such a beautiful face or felt such instant love in my life. I will share more about our adoption process and the story of Allison, but that is another blog for another time. Below is one of the first pictures I took of my new daughter.
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| The most beautiful girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar born at 4:25 pm 9/27/11 weighing 9lb 3 oz and 20.5 in long |
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