Getting Caught Up

Wow!!!! So much has taken place since my last blog.  I haven't kept up with it at all like I thought I would.  Where to start......  Disclaimer - This will probably be a very long post so sit down, kick back, and enjoy or stop reading and save for later.

Mike and I had decided that if we were going to try invitro (IVF), it should be now.  I didn't want to make an adopted child feel less wanted by doing it later.  I scheduled the consultation appointment with the doctor and off we went.  April 21, 2011 we had our consultation appointment.  I think I was on information overload.  We got some much information, so many forms to go over, so much reading material, it was just unreal.  We had to make all kinds of crazy decisions about what we would want to do with any unused embryos in case of divorce, my death, Mike's death, or the closing of the office.  We had to read, initial, and sign our life away.  Due to all the scheduling an IVF cycle takes, we could not get in until July.  So they sent me home with instructions on when do get blood work done, other test, and when to start medicines.  We went back in June to get our medication.  Take a look at what we had and this isn't all of it.

We started our shot routine in July.  Did I mention Mike was working out of town all week during this time.  Great timing right! Once I started all these meds, I had to go to the doctor every couple of days. Towards the end of the stimulation meds ( cycle of IVF is stimulation, retrieval, transfer) I was going everyday.  One of my ovaries had gotten too heavy from all of the cysts that is actually dropped a little.  The doctor was able to manual (NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE) move it back into place so they didn't think it was a problem.  I had at least 13 good follicles.  It did not take as long as they had planned for me to have cysts the size that they wanted so we scheduled our retrieval for July 17, 2011.  This meant that I had have a shot at a specific time to get the eggs matured, but timing is everything with this.  They don't want ovulation to occur, just maturing.  This is where everything went wrong and when I say wrong I meant totally and completely wrong.  I had to take a antiaxiety pill for relaxation and then I would be administered a narcotic during the procedure.  I would go into the whole process, but if you want to know what exactly the retrieval involved google IVF egg retrieval.  Everything started out fine and they got the first egg out of the follicles with in moments.  Then a few minutes went by and nothing, then at least 5 minutes went by and nothing.  I could tell something wasn't right.  I finally I asked if they had found any more eggs to the nurse administering my drugs.  She looked at the doctor and he looked at her and shook his head for her to go ahead and tell me.  The nurse looked at me with with tears in her eyes and said that my eggs were gone because I had ovulated too soon.  My heart sank and I started sobbing uncontrollably.  They still had to go thru and drain every follicie and I just wanted them to be done.  The whole procedure took about 45 mins and it was sheer agony.  I sobbed, more like wailed, for most of the procedure and I am sure made it more painful for myself.  Mike was not in the room for any of this, but as soon as they opened the door to the procedure room he could hear me.  One of the doctors headed out to meet him to tell him what was going on.  I had to lay in recovery for 30 minutes before they would let me go home.  This was a nightmare.  My doctor came in to tell me that they wanted to do an insemination along with the IVF to hopefully catch the eggs that ovulated as well.  I was not very nice and said some very mean things to him about it, but did the insemination anyway.  While all this was happening, the embryologist was doing her thing with our one lonely egg.  We would not know until the next day if the egg had been fertilized and if it was any good.  And then every day would get a phone call to see if the embryo had survived another night.  My 30 minutes passed and they let me go home.  As the nurse wheeled me out she just kept saying I am so sorry, I have never seen this happen.  But nothing helped with my pain.  I cried all the way home and probably most the night.  I felt raw emotion.  The one thing I thought was going to work without question had just dashed my hopes and dreams.  I went to my bedroom to try and sleep.  I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for awhile.  I wanted it to all be a bad dream.  I called the doctor's office the next morning and asked them to call Mike's phone first to tell him if they egg had fertilized and become and embryo.  They agreed to do that.  Little did I know, my husband had already stopped by the doctor's office to see how things were going.  They were nice enough to tell him that our embryo had been fertilized and was doing good so far.  They also told him that they all sat down and cried after we left.  They couldn't believe that all of this was happening.  We had know everyone in that office for over 4 years of treatments.  They knew me very personally and had been thru the ups and downs of treatment together.  Everything progressed great and we had a beautiful embryo and scheduled the transfer July 20th.  We got there for the transfer and we got to have a sneek peek at our little embryo.  It was the most amazing sight I have ever seen.

The transfer went well and pain free.  Now came the hardest part of all, the dreaded two week wait.  Anyone having gone thru fertility treatments knows how horrible the two week wait is.  It drags on and on and on.  During my two week wait, I developed hyperstimuilation which can be a very serious problem and was under very close supervision from my doctors.  Hyperstimulation is where the previously emptied follicles fill back up with fluid and keep filling.  It can cause death.  My case was not very bad and I only had to stay in bed for a day or two.  I was very lucky.  Our lucky quickly came to an end the night before we were to have our blood pregnancy test.  I started bleeding and knew our IVF journey had come to an end.  I still had to go get the blood test to confirm that I was not pregnant.  Even though you know it's over, it is a totally different feeling to get the phone call to end any hope.  I was devastated.  I felt like my life was over.  We had just poured all of our financial resources into this and it had gone horribly wrong.  I have drained emotionally.  I had nothing left.  I didn't even have tears to cry.  I was just done.  But God was far from done with me that day.  I knew this day would change my life forever, but I thought only for the worse.  Little did I know what was to come.

Mike and I had worked it out so that we would have the afternoon off that day and we would either go celebrate or mourn our loss, whichever needed to be done.  Thankfully my boss is a wonderful man and knew I didn't need to be at work and told me not to come in to work at all that day.  Mike had gotten the call to say the test was negative and he had to call and break the news.  He was on his way home when he called and we were going to go out and eat and just be together.  I sent everyone that was waiting to hear a text to let them know the outcome and went back to just existing.   About and hour after getting the bad news call, I got a phone call and I thought the number was my friend Tonya so I answered.  Boy am I ever glad I did.  The phone call was not from my friend Tonya, I was from my adoption caseworker Laura.  She was calling to say that she had a birth mom who had seen our non identifying adoption profile and she wanted to know if she could show her our profile book.  I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I was heard her correctly.  I mean I really couldn't be getting this news now could I?  I started scrambling for a piece of paper to make notes so I could talk to Mike.  There were are few things we needed to discuss before I just said yes.  But Laura said she would like to know that day so we could get things going.  Mike had come home in the meantime while I was on the phone with Laura.  He couldn't believe that I was on the phone and talking to anyone.  He had no idea who I was talking to or the change it would soon have on our lives.  It didn't take us long and we decided that we wanted Laura to show our profile to this birth mom.  I went back to work the following Thursday 8/4/11 and I just knew I couldn't work right then.  I wasn't even able to hardly put a smile on my face and talk to customers.  It was just horrible.  Mike and I decided to take a little time off and get our heads back together.  We left that Saturday for a few days away and headed to Branson.  It still had not sunk in that we were actually sending information to a birth mom or that we could be parents.  We had gotten so much heartbreak I couldn't even allow myself to think that we could have good news.  Finally it got the best of me and I emailed Laura to see if we were even in the running for this birth mom.  I wanted to know so I didn't get my hopes up.  I don't think my heart could have handled more rejection or bad news.  On Friday August 11, 2011 we received the life changing news that this birth mom had picked us and wanted to meet.  I was reading the email from Laura while I was talking to Mike.  He says I totally stopped midsentence and turned white.  I had to have him read the email because I wasn't sure my eyes were seeing that right.  So began our new journey, our journey to our baby.  Of course everything worked out and I became a mother 9/27/11 to the most beautiful baby girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar so stole my heart the moment I walked into her birth mom's hospital room.  I had never seen such a beautiful face or felt such instant love in my life.  I will share more about our adoption process and the story of Allison, but that is another blog for another time.  Below is one of the first pictures I took of my new daughter.

The most beautiful girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar born at 4:25 pm 9/27/11 weighing 9lb 3 oz and 20.5 in long