I wasn't sure what to feel at this point. I was really conflicted. I thought maybe I would feel relief, but I didn't. It was a whole new worry now. Will she like us, will she think I will be a good mom, will she like that we have animals, and will she choose us. August 12, 2011 I sent Laura and email simply asking if we even had a shot with this birth mom or if we weren't what we were looking for. I had spent a week thinking about this and my heart was so heavy. I didn't feel positive about this. I really needed to know where we were at so I could feel some relief. Laura was so sweet and simply replied that we were one of two couples and she was leaning towards us before she got our picture profile. Now the birth mom wanted to meet us. I nearly dropped my phone. I was talking to Mike and stopped mid sentence. My mind went blank and all I could see was she wanted to meet us. REALLY was something going our way for once. Laura had said I could call her and of course I did. When Laura answered she said she didn't even have to look at who was calling she knew it was me. We didn't know when or where but we were going to meet. Was this really our time or was it going to be just another disappointment.
Mike and I had decided that we were not going to tell anyone right away. We weren't sure when we were going to announce our news, but I knew I didn't want to tell anyone yet. I couldn't stand getting "THE LOOK" any longer. You know that look that people feel sorry for the girl who can't get pregnant. I HATE that look and wanted to avoid having to tell people that "oops we were wrong, we really don't have a baby." So for now it was our little secret. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. Laura and I began talking about what the meeting with the birth mom would be like and how things would go. Laura couldn't tell me much about the birth mom or the baby. Really the only thing she could tell me was that she was from the area in which they served but it was not Springfield and we may have to drive to meet with her. But we needed to go where she felt comfortable. I was totally fine with that. I would have driven wherever I needed to go. It didn't matter to me. Laura was so sweet thru the whole thing, even though I secretly think she wanted to strangle me and every time she saw another email from me, she had to be thinking "Not again". But she always said I was not bothering her. We finally came up with a time to meet. August 23 was going to be the day. This presented a little problem because it was the first night of bowling which meant I was going to have to come up with a good excuse for my mom on why I was not going to be at bowling. I didn't lie to my mother, I cannot lie, I never have been able to and she would have seen right through me. I just told her we had a meeting with Laura and it had to be that night. It was what worked best for her schedule. It was amazing that at this point I hadn't slipped the news to her yet anyway. I have never been so nervous as to what to wear, what makeup to put on, does my hair look okay, and any other silly thing you can come up with. It all went thru my head.
August 23 finally arrived. I had asked Laura if there was something appropriate to bring as a "thank you for meeting us". She had suggested simple thank you cards with handwritten notes. Let me tell you, there are NO "Thanks for considering us to be your babies parents". There weren't hardly any appropriate ones. I found ones that would work okay and just simply wrote a heartfelt appreciation note. We were meeting at Catholic charities office in Springfield, so Mike and I headed up there. On the way up I was doing okay. I had my list of questions in hand, I was going over answers to questions she might have had, and just talking with Mike about what we thought might happen. Laura had asked us to be there 30 minutes before the birth mom and her family so we didn't see each others vehicles. I did great until we got to the parking lot. My heart started racing. I get out of the car and I thought I was going to throw up. I have NEVER been so nervous in all my life. How in the world do I convey that I am the best choice for a mother for your child. I have never been good at the "Why are you the best candidate for the job" interview question, how was I going to answer the question of why should you raise my baby. All the preparing I had done just flew out the window. We meet with Laura and she explained how the meeting was going to go and then the receptionist buzzed and it was time. Laura went to meet the birth mom, her mom, and step - dad and bring them in to meet us. We could hear them coming down the hallway and my heart was pounding. Then in walked a beautiful young woman who was very petite, but tall, and was very pregnant. She had the cutest baby bump and was one of the cutest pregnant women that I had ever seen. Starting the conversation was so awkward. I was so glad Laura was there to guide the conversation. We started out by telling about ourselves and letting them ask questions. As the conversation went on, I actually felt at ease. I want becoming comfortable. We actually had a lot in common. Birth mom was a junior on her local volunteer fire department and so was her step-father. How cool is that? At one point we were talking about birth mom's doctors appointments and the birth mom's mom slide a photo album across the table. This photo album contained all of birth mom's sonograms. I couldn't believe it. This was the one thing I had thought about. I wanted a sonogram picture to have to Alli's baby book and here I was getting a lot of them (I got a lot more too!) I flipped thru the book, but I couldn't really see anything thru the tears in my eyes. Laura asked if they wanted to let us know what the gender of the baby was. The birth mom looked at me in surprise that I didn't know already. It was only plastered on two of the sonogram pictures I had just looked at. I was just so emotional, I didn't even see it. She told us it was a girl. Laura then asked the birth mom if she was going to name baby girl and if so what she was going to name her. That's when I was just blown away. She told us that she wanted us to name her and she wanted to know a name as soon as possible so she could start calling her that. Well if I hadn't been tearing up before, I sure was after that. What's funny is, Mike and I did not have a name picked out and it had been a source or turmoil for us. Mike says he couldn't come up with a name until he saw the baby and I thought that was just ridiculous. We shared with her the 3 names we had at the top of our list. Birth mom was a little disappointed that we didn't have a name for her then, but said she would like to know when we decided. It hadn't really sunk in yet that they had picked us, but wanting to know the baby's name from us sealed it for me. We talked a little longer and said our goodbyes. What is really funny is that we all went to the same restaurant that night to eat, but didn't see each other at all. How funny is that. Well over supper Mike and I were able to pick Allison Grace. It was number one on the list for me, I think he just gave in. But Mike was really hit by how disappointed birth mom was that we didn't have a name. That totally worked in my favor. Here I was thinking that I wasn't going to know my baby's name until we met her and I was not dealing well with it. Birth mom was going to a doctor's appointment on that Friday and promised to update us when she got home. They left and we waited for a while before we left in order to not see each other vehicles in the parking lot. Laura again cautioned us from telling anyone because at this point she could still change her mind and while it's fun to make the "we are getting a baby" calls, it's not so fun to make the it fell thru calls. So we were still going to have to keep our secret a little longer. It did finally get the best of me and we decided to tell parents but not our sisters at this point yet. We had a while to go and we just didn't know what was going to happen. IT was a VERY long month sitting on pins and needles. Everything time the phone rang, I was for sure it was Laura calling to tell me we where having a baby. One night we even went out for supper and can you believe it, I left my phone at home. My phone was the one Laura was calling and I didn't have it. On a normal day, I don't like not having my phone so right now when I could be getting the call any minute I left my phone at home. REALLY!!!! I was for sure Laura was going to have called and we missed it. Needless to say, she didn't and I actually had no calls. I missed out on enjoying a supper out because I was so worried. Silly me.
At this point we really didn't know what birth mom's plans were for the hospital. I, of course, wanted to at least be at the hospital when Allison was born. Laura kept reminding me that the hospital was birth mom's time and that I got her for the rest of my life. I know that was supposed to be reassuring, but it really wasn't. I felt like I was getting a lecture from my Mom. In my emails to Laura, I was afraid to start calling baby Allison because in my mind that meant it was real and birth mom could still change her mind. I just couldn't even think about a positive outcome. I knew it would be too devastating if I did and it wasn't. During the next weeks, I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned like there was no tomorrow. I had to do something to keep my mind off of what was going on. We cleaned out the spare bedroom to make room for baby, but didn't decorate it. We again didn't want to walk past a finished room for a baby that we might not end up getting.
At birth mom's doctor's appointment the week of September 19th they said that the baby was going to be BIG, probably 9 lbs or more and that if she hadn't gone into labor by Tuesday the 27th they were going to induce. Finally, there was an end in sight. I pulled into work on Tuesday 9/27/11 like any other day, waiting to hear from our caseworker what the plan was for the day. I knew Laura didn't get into work until 8:30 or so, so I wasn't expecting to hear from her until later in the day. As I pulled into the parking lot at about 8:15, I got a call from Laura. She said that birth mom was VERY uncomfortable in the night so they took her to the hospital and kept her and that they had broken her water at 7:30. I couldn't believe my ears. I was so excited I think I almost squealed in the phone. Laura said she would call me with any updates, but so far the plan was for us to go to the hospital 9/28/11arriving about 1 pm to give birth mom plenty of time. I of course called Mike. I am not sure how much he heard because I was so hysterical with excitement. I really might as well not have been at work, because my brain was not functioning properly. But my boss, being the wonderful boss that he is understood and was very excited for us. I got a call about 10 am saying birth mom was at a 4, then a phone call at 1 saying she was a 8, then another phone call at 1:15 saying she was a 10 and going to be pushing soon. I was in line in the DQ drive thru and I know the lady at the window thought I was a fruit cake. I am making phone calls, bawling my eyes out all while waiting for my hamburger. I think she was waiting for me to freak out on her or something. Then nothing, no news. So I email my caseworker at 3:30. She hadn't heard anything. And I got scared. I just knew she had changed her mind and we weren't going to hear from her any more. Or worse I thought that she was going to have to a c-section. I didn't want that for her. A constant reminder of the baby she gave up. I just didn't want that for her. 4:30 rolled around and nothing. Finally at 4:45 pm, I got the call that I had become a mom. Allison Grace was born at 4:25 pm after 3 hours of hard pushing. She weighed 9lbs 3 oz, was 20.5 in long, and had a head full of hair. I called Mike and told him that he had a daughter. I am fighting back tears as I am writing this. It is just so amazing, it's hard to think about this and not get emotional. That evening was a blur. I have no idea what we did that night. I think we went out to eat to celebrate, but I honestly can't tell you. I called my mom, dad, and sisters in a conference called to tell them there was a new baby in the family. I am not sure who was crying harder, them or me. It was awesome. So the plan at this point was for Mike and I to go to work Wednesday 9/28/11 and leave work around Noon to head to the hospital. I get to work Wednesday morning and Laura calls me again as I pull in the parking lot. Birth mom had texted her at 6am to ask if we were on our way. Laura was shocked. So our plans changed. I was now going to work until 10 and meet Mike at home and head to the hospital. While I was at work, I received 3 of the most precious pictures I could ever receive. My daughter. I can only share one here because her birth mom is in the other 2 and out of respect for her and Allison those are not going to be shared.
We got to the hospital and meet Laura. We found birth mom's room and went in. I fell in love at first sight when I say Allison. There are no words to describe the feeling of love I felt.
Our whole adoption experience has been amazing and wonderful. I am so thankful for the gift and miracle of Allison Grace.
Beautiful story. Thank you so much for being strong enough to share it. I'm bawling as I read through it all!
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