Getting Caught Up

Wow!!!! So much has taken place since my last blog.  I haven't kept up with it at all like I thought I would.  Where to start......  Disclaimer - This will probably be a very long post so sit down, kick back, and enjoy or stop reading and save for later.

Mike and I had decided that if we were going to try invitro (IVF), it should be now.  I didn't want to make an adopted child feel less wanted by doing it later.  I scheduled the consultation appointment with the doctor and off we went.  April 21, 2011 we had our consultation appointment.  I think I was on information overload.  We got some much information, so many forms to go over, so much reading material, it was just unreal.  We had to make all kinds of crazy decisions about what we would want to do with any unused embryos in case of divorce, my death, Mike's death, or the closing of the office.  We had to read, initial, and sign our life away.  Due to all the scheduling an IVF cycle takes, we could not get in until July.  So they sent me home with instructions on when do get blood work done, other test, and when to start medicines.  We went back in June to get our medication.  Take a look at what we had and this isn't all of it.

We started our shot routine in July.  Did I mention Mike was working out of town all week during this time.  Great timing right! Once I started all these meds, I had to go to the doctor every couple of days. Towards the end of the stimulation meds ( cycle of IVF is stimulation, retrieval, transfer) I was going everyday.  One of my ovaries had gotten too heavy from all of the cysts that is actually dropped a little.  The doctor was able to manual (NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE) move it back into place so they didn't think it was a problem.  I had at least 13 good follicles.  It did not take as long as they had planned for me to have cysts the size that they wanted so we scheduled our retrieval for July 17, 2011.  This meant that I had have a shot at a specific time to get the eggs matured, but timing is everything with this.  They don't want ovulation to occur, just maturing.  This is where everything went wrong and when I say wrong I meant totally and completely wrong.  I had to take a antiaxiety pill for relaxation and then I would be administered a narcotic during the procedure.  I would go into the whole process, but if you want to know what exactly the retrieval involved google IVF egg retrieval.  Everything started out fine and they got the first egg out of the follicles with in moments.  Then a few minutes went by and nothing, then at least 5 minutes went by and nothing.  I could tell something wasn't right.  I finally I asked if they had found any more eggs to the nurse administering my drugs.  She looked at the doctor and he looked at her and shook his head for her to go ahead and tell me.  The nurse looked at me with with tears in her eyes and said that my eggs were gone because I had ovulated too soon.  My heart sank and I started sobbing uncontrollably.  They still had to go thru and drain every follicie and I just wanted them to be done.  The whole procedure took about 45 mins and it was sheer agony.  I sobbed, more like wailed, for most of the procedure and I am sure made it more painful for myself.  Mike was not in the room for any of this, but as soon as they opened the door to the procedure room he could hear me.  One of the doctors headed out to meet him to tell him what was going on.  I had to lay in recovery for 30 minutes before they would let me go home.  This was a nightmare.  My doctor came in to tell me that they wanted to do an insemination along with the IVF to hopefully catch the eggs that ovulated as well.  I was not very nice and said some very mean things to him about it, but did the insemination anyway.  While all this was happening, the embryologist was doing her thing with our one lonely egg.  We would not know until the next day if the egg had been fertilized and if it was any good.  And then every day would get a phone call to see if the embryo had survived another night.  My 30 minutes passed and they let me go home.  As the nurse wheeled me out she just kept saying I am so sorry, I have never seen this happen.  But nothing helped with my pain.  I cried all the way home and probably most the night.  I felt raw emotion.  The one thing I thought was going to work without question had just dashed my hopes and dreams.  I went to my bedroom to try and sleep.  I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for awhile.  I wanted it to all be a bad dream.  I called the doctor's office the next morning and asked them to call Mike's phone first to tell him if they egg had fertilized and become and embryo.  They agreed to do that.  Little did I know, my husband had already stopped by the doctor's office to see how things were going.  They were nice enough to tell him that our embryo had been fertilized and was doing good so far.  They also told him that they all sat down and cried after we left.  They couldn't believe that all of this was happening.  We had know everyone in that office for over 4 years of treatments.  They knew me very personally and had been thru the ups and downs of treatment together.  Everything progressed great and we had a beautiful embryo and scheduled the transfer July 20th.  We got there for the transfer and we got to have a sneek peek at our little embryo.  It was the most amazing sight I have ever seen.

The transfer went well and pain free.  Now came the hardest part of all, the dreaded two week wait.  Anyone having gone thru fertility treatments knows how horrible the two week wait is.  It drags on and on and on.  During my two week wait, I developed hyperstimuilation which can be a very serious problem and was under very close supervision from my doctors.  Hyperstimulation is where the previously emptied follicles fill back up with fluid and keep filling.  It can cause death.  My case was not very bad and I only had to stay in bed for a day or two.  I was very lucky.  Our lucky quickly came to an end the night before we were to have our blood pregnancy test.  I started bleeding and knew our IVF journey had come to an end.  I still had to go get the blood test to confirm that I was not pregnant.  Even though you know it's over, it is a totally different feeling to get the phone call to end any hope.  I was devastated.  I felt like my life was over.  We had just poured all of our financial resources into this and it had gone horribly wrong.  I have drained emotionally.  I had nothing left.  I didn't even have tears to cry.  I was just done.  But God was far from done with me that day.  I knew this day would change my life forever, but I thought only for the worse.  Little did I know what was to come.

Mike and I had worked it out so that we would have the afternoon off that day and we would either go celebrate or mourn our loss, whichever needed to be done.  Thankfully my boss is a wonderful man and knew I didn't need to be at work and told me not to come in to work at all that day.  Mike had gotten the call to say the test was negative and he had to call and break the news.  He was on his way home when he called and we were going to go out and eat and just be together.  I sent everyone that was waiting to hear a text to let them know the outcome and went back to just existing.   About and hour after getting the bad news call, I got a phone call and I thought the number was my friend Tonya so I answered.  Boy am I ever glad I did.  The phone call was not from my friend Tonya, I was from my adoption caseworker Laura.  She was calling to say that she had a birth mom who had seen our non identifying adoption profile and she wanted to know if she could show her our profile book.  I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I was heard her correctly.  I mean I really couldn't be getting this news now could I?  I started scrambling for a piece of paper to make notes so I could talk to Mike.  There were are few things we needed to discuss before I just said yes.  But Laura said she would like to know that day so we could get things going.  Mike had come home in the meantime while I was on the phone with Laura.  He couldn't believe that I was on the phone and talking to anyone.  He had no idea who I was talking to or the change it would soon have on our lives.  It didn't take us long and we decided that we wanted Laura to show our profile to this birth mom.  I went back to work the following Thursday 8/4/11 and I just knew I couldn't work right then.  I wasn't even able to hardly put a smile on my face and talk to customers.  It was just horrible.  Mike and I decided to take a little time off and get our heads back together.  We left that Saturday for a few days away and headed to Branson.  It still had not sunk in that we were actually sending information to a birth mom or that we could be parents.  We had gotten so much heartbreak I couldn't even allow myself to think that we could have good news.  Finally it got the best of me and I emailed Laura to see if we were even in the running for this birth mom.  I wanted to know so I didn't get my hopes up.  I don't think my heart could have handled more rejection or bad news.  On Friday August 11, 2011 we received the life changing news that this birth mom had picked us and wanted to meet.  I was reading the email from Laura while I was talking to Mike.  He says I totally stopped midsentence and turned white.  I had to have him read the email because I wasn't sure my eyes were seeing that right.  So began our new journey, our journey to our baby.  Of course everything worked out and I became a mother 9/27/11 to the most beautiful baby girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar so stole my heart the moment I walked into her birth mom's hospital room.  I had never seen such a beautiful face or felt such instant love in my life.  I will share more about our adoption process and the story of Allison, but that is another blog for another time.  Below is one of the first pictures I took of my new daughter.

The most beautiful girl in the world Allison Grace Kuhar born at 4:25 pm 9/27/11 weighing 9lb 3 oz and 20.5 in long

What a book!!!

Last time I wrote, I told you about a book that I had just ordered called, "Choosing to SEE, by Mary Beth Chapman." Well I finished it last night and WOW, what a book. There were so many things that really hit me in this book but I am going to tell you about one of the most striking to me. We have had quite the go with our adoption journey. There have been many ups and downs, tears, asking the question why more times than I can count, anger, and understanding. We have gone thru many cycles of all of the above mentioned items. "Choosing to SEE" talks about Mary Beth Chapman's her struggle with life, choices, depression, and the death of their daughter. Mary Beth is very open about her struggle with God throughout all of it. In one part of the book, she talks about the Chapman's first Christmas without their little girl. Mary Beth came to a realization that Christmas didn't end at the manger. Christmas doesn't end until Easter after Christ was crucified and then rose again on the third day. She describes the realization the Mary had found favor with God and that he choose her to be the mother of Jesus. She would bear the the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock, the horrible pain of labor, giving birth in a disgusting barn with animals, knowing that she was raising the Son of God and trying to raise him in the way she was supposed to, and then watching the pain of her son being crucified on the cross. She was chosen by God to endure the shame and pain of it all because she found favor with God. Why should I expect less from my journey? God is truly in control of it all. Caleb Chapman explain grief as a piece of art work, a mosaic. Up close it looks like a complete mess, nothing looks pretty, it's just a bunch of blogs. But when we can get far enough away, it is a beautiful work of art that God has created just for us. Once this whole process has come to an end, we will get to see the beautiful piece of art that God has given us. Our wonderfully crazy journey that is uniquely ours and so special.

Thank you all for being a part of our art work journey. You all make up a part of our painting. Thank you for the support and prayers. Please keep it up. We appreciate you all.

New Attitude

Any one else ready for Spring? I know I am. The winter blues have taken a major hold on me lately. And I think I am starting to rub off on others too. Sorry if you have been one of them. My best friend recommended that I read a book called "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's wife. I am so excited to get it. I ordered it last week and it was supposed to be here yesterday, but I have not received it as of yet. I need a new outlook and this book is about (from the reviews I read) making sure we are choosing to see the good God is doing thru the good and bad times. It is so easy to focus on the good when everything is going good, but when things take a turn for the worse, I tend to get sucked into the negative thinking frame of mind. I hope this book is encouraging and can help me get a new outlook on Mike and I's current situation.

Also, I just saw this quote on a friends facebook page and just loved it. So I wanted to share it with everyone. "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going - Beverly Sills." Talk about a jerk back to reality. I try and take the shortcut in everything. I want the fastest possible route to my end destination. I know that is especially true of our adoption journey. We have been trying to have a baby for 6 years and I think that's long enough. So I think that the journey has been long enough so we should have our baby already. I mean, I already know I am going to be a great parent right? Well this comment reminds me that the journey is really as important as the destination. Mike and I have learned so much about each other and about life in general that although I want a baby more than anything, I wouldn't trade the experiences with my husband for anything.

Thank you all again so much for the support and prayers as we continue down this path. We truly appreciate you all.

Nothing new here....

I wanted to check in even though there is nothing new to report. I checked in with our caseworker today. She hadn't had any new leads, but just wanted to check on us.
Tonight was haircut night at Mom and Dad's house so I got my baby fix. Got to love on some sweet babies. Even though I get a "fix", it does make me realize how much I want for Mike and I to be parents. I love the look on a babies face when they recognize their Mom or Dad. There is nothing like looking at that sweet face. I can only dream about that day, but I know when it comes, it will be everything I want it to be and more. God is taking care of the details even though we can't see it. It is hard to remember that when we are in the midst of everything, being bogged down by the details. My friend recommended a book to me by Steven Curtis Chapman's wife and I can't wait to read it. It deals with being bogged down by the deatils and not seeing the joy in every situation. I hope it will help me see with new eyes. Thanks again for all your support and prayers. Keep those leads coming. We truely appreciate everything you all do for us.

Ask and you shall recieve

We by far have the best family and friends. We ask for help finding information about international adoption and your respond in droves. We ask you to refer us to any potential birthmoms and we get a lead. We cannot tell you how excited we are that we have any responses at all. We are so blessed to have people who keep us in mind as they hear about situations. Even though some times, things do work out the way we would want them to, we are so thankful that we even hear anything. So please keep it going. We know once we have our baby all the heartaches and trial we went thru will be a memory,

Domestic or International

So the last couple of days, we have been looking at some international adoption possibilities like Russia or the Ukraine. We are not sure if we want to go this way, but want to keep our options open. I talked with our caseworker Laura to see if there was anything new. She didn't have anything new and hadn't talked to any birth moms. This greatly concerns me. I guess that's really why we are looking at some other options. We really want an infant, but do I want that to stop us from reaching our ultimate goal of parenthood? And how much do we want or can we afford to spend? All these questions are looming over our heads and nagging at us. Did we choose the right agency, did we choose correctly when we decided to go with domestic adoption. You name it, we are questioning. We know that adoption is the right path to parenthood for us, but questioning all the other decisions. If you know of anyone who has or is working with international adoption, we would love to talk with them. Also if you know of anyone who is thinking about adoption as a plan for their baby, please refer us. We have set up a new facebook page called Mike and Aprille's Adoption Profile. It has an email address where they can contact us. We appreciate all the prayers and well wishes. This has been a long road already and know we have a long road ahead.

Ready, Set, Wait!

Mike and I had our 6 month follow up visit last week. It was a little late due to the weather. This winter has caused a lot of delays on things. Jessica, our new licensing worker, came by and asked us her 100 questions or so. She was really great and is about our age. We felt really comfortable with her and know that she will be a great resource if we need her. As I sat and thought about all this, it's hard to believe that we have been in this process long enough to need our 6 month home visit recheck. Seems not long ago we were making the decision to stop infertility treatments. But wow, we made that decision last January. So we have been in the adoption mindset for over a year now. In March, we will have been working with Catholic Charities for a year. Seems so long, yet on the other hand seems so short. It seems like just a little while ago, we were filling out our mountain of paperwork. Pouring our hear and soul out to a total stranger who is the one who will decide if we will be a good "fit" to show to a potential birth mom. It was such a scary thought for a control freak like me. I have learned so much through this process. I am not in control and no matter how hard I wish or pray, I never will be. And boy am I glad for that. That is a lot of responsibility.



Mike and I decided we needed a little break and decided to head out to Punta Cana and get some R&R. What a relaxing time we got. We couldn't have asked for a nice place or weather than we got. God really knew what we needed and provided it. I was sitting on the beach just thanking God for allowing us to have the opportunity to go to such a beautiful place and also thanking him for creating it for all of us to enjoy. I know I don't take enough time to think about that.

So now we are back to reality and back to the waiting game. It's a weird feeling wondering if tomorrow will be the day you get the call the changes your life forever, to think that tonight might be the last night we spend as a family of 2. My heart skips a beat every time I get a call on my cell phone from a different number that I don't know. Please pray that Mike and I will continue to trust God and the workers he has placed us with to find the family He has created for us. Thank God that he does not give up on me even though I am so hard at "getting" the lesson he is trying to teach. As the song says "He's still workin on me, to make me what I ought to be. It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter, and Mars. How loving and patient he must be, cause he's still workin on me."